


Euphoria

by thejitomyri



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Its not really graphic tho??, M/M, and i wouldnt say fully explicit??, im dumping it all at once even though its my first time posting here, im still going to tag just incase
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-23 04:58:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15598788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejitomyri/pseuds/thejitomyri
Summary: Loving Seungri was tiring and that’s why Jiyong never tried at all."And his heart leaps when Jiyong no longer stands like a statue and places his hands on Seungri’s hips. He smiles as Jiyong brings the maknae in closer, his own head resting against the side of the younger’s. He thankful when Jiyong closes his eyes and lets Seungri be, safe between his arms.Daesung doesn’t really believe in love but he guesses he’ll start trying."





	1. Prologue

* * *

* * *

 

**It’s not that Seungri doesn’t know. Oh, he knows. Expected. But of course, one could never really be ready. Nevertheless, he still knows.**

**But Jiyong is GD, and GD is ruthless. GD is heartless, cold, and distant. Jiyong is GD, G-Dragon, a man that frightened Seungri to no end. But to Seungri, G-Dragon is Jiyong, and Jiyong is Jiyong.**

**Jiyong is the carbon copy of GD with his taunts and insults, but Seungri knows he means no harm. Except, reaching the lost boy inside of Jiyong is much more comfortable than reaching any part of GD. Because even when they’re together, Jiyong is GD, and GD is Jiyong. One of the same, one of a kind.**

**Or maybe it's just Jiyong. Seungri can't seem to make his mind up.**

**But to Seungri, Jiyong merely is Jiyong. A man that is more than what he seems. A man that he knows deep down wants the best for all of them, even if it’s done in the most frightening of ways.**

**Seungri’s been at it for about five years now, and he remembers the day crystal clear when he’d been picked up by the infamous Mr Kwon, he was some top-dog under YG. Seungri had always hated the orphanage, and the stark age of 19 meant he could finally escape.**

**His relatives probably thought he was dead at this stage, a problem child to say the least. Sometimes he feels his parents looking down in disappointment from the high skies of heaven above. Maybe if he’d used his mind further then, he’d have an office job, perhaps an excellent partner on his arm, and comfortable home.**

**But Seungri is Seungri and he’s full of surprises. And he finds that Mr Kwon saw the potential in him, that the young man had a sharper mind than most, that he was made for something else.**

**And Seungri thinks its fate, as he learns how to fend for himself, how to tell the difference between a weapon, a bullet, and the insides of a life he’d never expected.**

**And somewhere along the line, Jiyong becomes more GD than Jiyong, and he can’t complain. Because it’s called being the head of a highly-respected mafia, Seungri doesn’t give much thought to it.**

**But, he’s told about the role of assassins and how he’d be doing more good than bad, eliminating the evil in the world. It was good enough.**

**Nevertheless, there isn’t much thought to be given when you’re having your brains fucked out, sweat glistening under the light, and your boss turned your big crush doing all the work.**

**But Seungri knows that his line of work doesn’t guarantee a fairytale ending after all.**

**Jiyong needs to get off, as does Seungri. They were tainted, in fact, they all were, but Jiyong wouldn’t dare touch Seunghyun, Youngbae or Daesung like that. Youngbae’s screeching about the topic was more than enough of a clue because, “Best friends don’t fuck, Jiyong!”**

**And he had been right.**

**And Jiyong and Seungri had connected, but they knew it went further than that, and somehow Seungri fit the bill.**

**But.**

**But Jiyong doesn’t do feelings, not even in his merciless kills, and certainly not on this so-called topic of love.**

**Even when Jiyong pulls out, cleans them out and falls asleep, there are no feelings to be had. Even with the cravings of longing touches and hushed whispers of declared love, Seungri knew there were no feelings to be had.**

**It was their line of work he reminds himself.**

**No feelings.**

**A fact.**

**When Jiyong awakes two hours later, he latches at Seungri’s neck and leaves his endless marks. The others didn’t question it as they were no longer phased but instead understood. It was an unspoken secret.**

**So Jiyong continues pressing soft kisses, his left arm set across his** **maknae’s** **waist to keep him in place. It’s odd really because they both know that Seungri wasn’t one to mess this up or ruin the moment. Seungri delves at the moment without much thought this time around. Jiyong knows his soft spots, his fear and nightmares, but that’s the most delicate and an unknown side of Jiyong.**

**One of which the other three don’t even get to witness not even Youngbae, and Seungri feels special. Because deeper than deep Jiyong cares, and he continues with the pecks across the scar. The same scar that the youngest had received on the first day of the job darn to himself for letting his guard down.**

**And Seungri had never cared but the scar marked him, and it was recognisable. Even Seunghyun hadn’t taken the chance to tease him about the many turtlenecks, maybe they all had a heart after all.**

**It’s not even that cold in Seoul, but Jiyong isn’t one to get rid of the endless blankets on his bed, not even in the slightest. He takes notice of how the elder has their ankles entangled, their thighs touching, naked of course. Above his head is Jiyong’s right arm, and Seungri’s head resting on it. Seungri ponders to how the position is even comfortable, but Jiyong is Jiyong, and he finds comfort in the most compelling ways.**

**That same hand holds a cigarette because when is Jiyong not stressed? Seungri hates the smell, has loathed it. And he notices little by little how Jiyong doesn’t smoke around him anymore, but tonight he needed it and turned out he needed Seungri as well.**

**It’s as if their minds think alike because Seungri had come into his room, and the usual shenanigans began. Seungri’s never felt a love bite that strong before.**

**He feels the smirk on Jiyong’s face as he turns to face his leader’s chest instead; it’s more comfortable.**

**“Sleep** **maknae** **,” Jiyong orders him.**

**And it’s an order he’s more than happy to take** **.**

* * *

* * *

A lil intro...


	2. One

* * *

* * *

**The Kwon’s have been in alliance with YG for decades. It’s puzzling really. The origins of it all are a nightmare to figure out that Jiyong no longer cares. He’s rich enough to stay unbothered. So unbothered it’s scary. He doesn’t flinch when there’s blood to be spilled, not even tears of remorse when one of the younger recruits had been killed.**

**Jiyong’s never caused any arguments; he loves his members even though he refuses to show it. He needs to make them sturdy and durable because at the end of the day they’re human, and Seungri knows he’s built to ignore this, but darn he’d actually gotten close to Jinwoo as a friend.**

**And so when he hears the news of the events, Daesung keeps his head low and sends out a small prayer, as does Youngbae. Seunghyun blinks, he’s gotten used to it.**

**And Seungri breaks because he should’ve expected it, and he’s never shed a tear, but it’s different when it’s a friend.**

**Jiyong breaks out in anger and tells him to loosen up and to, “Get your shit together!” because “He’s gone Seungri and that’s that.”**

**He shouts at the slumped figure on the floor, a complete turn from their unvoiced love of last night. After all, they were nothing, no label at all.**

**Youngbae doesn’t bother to say a word because Jiyong’s anger knows no bounds, and any intervention would only escalate it, so he lets it be; lets Seungri bear the brunt of their leader’s attitude and ego.**

**But he can’t help but shudder at the bullet that flies above Seungri’s head and shatters the window. That was going to cost a lot to repair. But Seungri doesn’t care, because it’s a strategy, aiming above his head but not at him. After all, Jiyong cared, right?**

**“Jiyong’s lost his mind”, Seunghyun states coldly, so calm and collected.**

**Daesung sighs, “Haven’t we all?”**

**They’re not worried though. Jiyong would never harm them intentionally. Not now not ever.**

**But he knows how to make a point and show who’s the leader, because dominance is what’s needed in his opinion, even over his members; those that were closer than blood.**

**Seungri doesn’t wince when Jiyong grips his forearm and forcefully stands him up. The gun lays carelessly on the ground, out of bullets by now. Sometimes they’d like to practice on objects around the house, after all, they could be replaced.**

**Youngbae sighs.**

**Daesung continues to pray.**

 

**\--**

**But, even if it’s not fluffy rainbows, it’s still not that bad. Except, Jiyong uses this as an excuse to go at it longer, and Seungri doesn’t mind at all, because he wants it, needs it and craves it. He wants to get rid of his pain.**

**Because Seunghyun, Youngbae and Daesung have excused themselves without letting them know. Noise cancelling earphones could only do so much in comparison to the set of lungs that Seungri had on him.**

**Even so, the leader’s forehead rests on Seungri’s, sweat and even tears. Tears in mourning, but here Jiyong was making him feel better, because Jiyong cared, right? It was fucked up. They were fucked up.**

**Then again who was normal?**

**Seungri knew the kid, but did he really?**

**Jiyong answers for him, wordlessly. And a moan escapes Seungri’s mouth, not even Jiyong’s name this time around. His toes curl, and it’s pure bliss. A euphoria that he feels guilty almost. But he’s lighter, and it’s as if he’s floating.**

**But then Seungri’s heart drops because Jiyong pulls out, cleans them up once again, and turns his back.**

**He’s knocked out like a light.**

**Loving Seungri was tiring, and that’s why Jiyong never tried at all.**

 

**\--**

**“He’s just,” Youngbae pauses and thinks, then he shoots the target right in the bullseye, “He’s just complicated.”**

**Youngbae is a nice** **hyung** **, as are Daesung and Seunghyun. But Youngbae is Youngbae, and it’s why Seungri drags him out early in the morning, back to the headquarters, as they were called, and for some practice.**

**A way to release stress.**

**And it’s incredible as ever that Seungri doesn’t even need to say it for Youngbae to start speaking.**

**Seungri’s known Youngbae since his first day here, same as the others. But, Youngbae has known Jiyong most of his life.**

**“GD has consumed him so much that’s it’s all that there is.” He shoots another shot.**

**Seungri watches.**

**“You gotta dig much deeper because he does care. He’s afraid of showing it.”**

**Youngbae’s always been the best at giving advice. He’s also been the best at seeing past the bullshit and understanding the situation at hand. Because he knows that what Seungri and Jiyong are doing isn’t healthy. Not in the slightest.**

**Because at some point it becomes hard to detach.**

**“He hates relationships because in our line of work there’s no guarantee of tomorrow, why waste it being with someone for the rest of your life?”**

**Because Seungri wants to scream because he doesn’t know. Because, he shouldn’t be affected and hurt when Jiyong shows up late at night, alcohol laced in his breath, and lipstick kisses on his cheeks.**

**He shouldn’t be affected when Jiyong still knocks on his bedroom door and makes his way in and repeats the cycle. But, at least Jiyong comes home to him and not anybody else, right?**

**But there’s Hyorin Seungri wants to argue. But, Hyorin only knows so much, hell she thinks Youngbae works for the Police department. It’s a lie that’s worked so far.**

**Youngbae pauses, and he sets the gun down, his earmuffs around his neck to the tabletop.**

**“But.”**

**“But?” Seungri urges.**

**“You’re something special.”**

 

**\--**

**Seungri doesn’t see Jiyong for a good two days at least. He’d been sent off on some special assignment. Seungri finds the code words somewhat amusing, because his life is a fucked up feature film, and sometimes he wishes for the finale to arrive quicker than most.**

**Seunghyun is gone, as is Youngbae, the three were more skilled than the two** **maknae’s** **.**

**But, they don’t worry because they always come back unharmed.**

**The words of big government corporations and the scandals, and the bribery and all that is nothing new. It’s their line of work he reminds himself, as he’d been told at the age of 19 - eliminate the bad guys.**

**It’s been wedged into his brain.**

**They’re the good kind of assassins, it’s what makes him feel less guilty, what makes it less painful.**

**Daesung can’t even count on his two hands the shared number of kills between the group.**

**So, it’s no surprise when the television screams the report of breaking news. It’s no surprise when it’s that dirty and deceitful politician who’d been declared dead at the scene. It’s no surprise when they see footage of the police scratching their heads at the scene, how there’s not a single clue left behind.**

**But, it’s a surprise when the live footage gets interrupted when a series of shots are heard. It’s an even bigger surprise for Daesung when Seungri leaps forward and screams, yells and cries. It’s hard to contain the sobbing mess on the floor because they’re not supposed to feel, not let themselves fall this deep.**

**But Daesung understands, after all, they hadn’t always been this way, and Daesung holds merely him from behind as Seungri chants Jiyong over and over until it’s nothing but a soft whisper.**

**And Daesung wants to tell his leader that love is real after all.**

**That Seungri may just be utterly in love with him even if he refuses to acknowledge it.**

**But he can’t because he doesn’t know where they are and when they’ll return. So he waits with the youngest on the hardwood floor of their shared apartment.**

**Seungri eyes the buzzing and blurred television in hopes of something, anything.**

**They’ve shared secrets and hardships, no longer the young boys who met in the basement that one day and had a deadly weapon placed in their palms. They’ve grown. But, Daesung aches for the youngest, because this life wasn’t cut out for him at all. But then again, who doesn’t love a healthy looking paycheck?**

**And then the screen is colourful once again that it makes Seungri’s heart leap in joy, but a pleasure that he knows will never last.**

**But,**

**But,**

**But, it’s them. It’s Big Bang, and they’ve never been caught so why now? Seungri is left alone in the middle of the living room, his eyes glued to the screen.**

**He truly hates humans.**

**\--**

**Seungri also learns that the mischievous, and devilish old man, Yang Hyun Suk has a mind of his own. One that works wonders. It truly does.**

**Seungri’s come to hate surprises, but he doesn’t mind them either.**

**Hyun Suk continues his little talk, proud of his moves. “Did you really think I’d get them arrested like that?”**

**Because they’re not the only assassins in the world, and everyone wants a paycheck, believe it or not. The competition was a thing.**

**“Those SM scoundrels wanted to end that politician first, but that meant ending those three first. So I sent the newest recruits to arrest you, and mind you it worked well. SM has trained them poorly, or they’re just that dense.” He’d hatched and devised a plan, one that Seungri had come to realise after his tears had stopped.**

**The phone call ends after some goodbyes, and then they wait at their dining table for the arrival of their Hyungs.**

**Fuck this job, fuck everything. He should’ve just enrolled in University instead.**

**But thankfully the three know their way back home that Seungri sprints to the door, Daesung trailing behind him, once that doorbell rings.**

**It’s only 2:27 am**

**Daesung gives a side hug to the two Hyungs and pulls them inside. They’re in good shape, ecstatic and pleased with the outcome, Seunghyun happy that he’d been fed as well. And they let the two be alone by the now closed door. Their house was too far away from society anyway, but there was always the precaution.**

**The two still embraced in a tight hug that Seungri had initiated minutes prior. Jiyong doesn’t blink nor say a word; one could assume he wasn’t breathing either. And he stands there hands by his sides and lets the** **maknae** **sob into his shoulder, a wet patch already formed, and specks of tears on the floor.**

**And Daesung observes from the living room, Seunghyun and Youngbae’s laughter in the background over whatever topic it is now. He observes because it’s as if their world isn’t filled with guns, and blood, so much blood. It’s in this moment where he feels normal for once, just watching his friends and observing their love.**

**And his heart leaps when Jiyong no longer stands like a statue and places his hands on Seungri’s hips. He smiles as Jiyong brings the** **maknae** **in closer, his own head resting against the side of the younger’s. He thankful when Jiyong closes his eyes and lets Seungri stay there safe between his arms.**

**Daesung doesn’t really believe in love, but he guesses he’ll start trying.**

 

**\--**

**But, even the most hard-headed and strong-willed have their weak moments. But they pass just as quickly as they come.**

**It isn’t really a surprise, so Seunghyun learns to roll with it. He’s never really been one to get bothered with much, but those few moments yesterday made him feel like his life was ending, even when they were falsely arrested.**

**He really had lived his life killing those who harmed. So what was he? Good or bad? He wasn’t entirely sure.**

**And mind you, Seunghyun’s had his fair share of love, all of which have ended terribly. One girl that he had to kill and even his little false act of romance didn’t really make him feel much. But, Seunghyun feels bad. Beyond what their jobs are, the four are his brothers. Jiyong’s the scrawny kid, and Seungri the shy yet outgoing one he’d met years ago.**

**He sees the four the way in which those outside of their circle don’t. He feels protective.**

**He also likes to show his protectiveness in his own way. Right now he wants to smack Jiyong over the head, and if they weren’t this close, then probably a bullet into his head.**

**He’s not dumb. Jiyong can run away as long as he wants, and spit on the name of love as long as he likes. But, he’s not one to see his brother suffer, and certainly not his youngest, that’s for sure.**

**And Youngbae and Daesung shoot the eldest the same look; they’d joined the second** **maknae** **over observing the two by the door. And even when Jiyong had noticed, he’d led the younger back to his own room, and for once it was a quiet night.**

**But, the story was something different this morning. Daesung was an early riser, and as he’d made his way towards the kitchen, he’d noticed that the younger was back in his own room.**

**Breakfast followed, and it was a quiet affair. Wordlessly, questions were raised and answers followed.**

**Seungri’s own figure sat far away from Jiyong, mindlessly twirling his utensils in his hands. This week had been the longest week of his life, curse Yang for giving him time off.**

**Jiyong glared at the** **maknae** **, no words, but the anger was felt.**

**And it clicked in Seunghyun’s head; Jiyong hated feelings.**

**All that the younger showed last night was nothing but a display of affection, a love that Jiyong was afraid to have.**

**Well, it would have to wait till later.**

 

**\--**

**The night streets of Seoul are a nightmare to navigate, added the lack of sleep and forced smiles in the company of their target; undeniably Seunghyun was tired.**

**The target was a woman who did some shady business under her Father’s name, some large magazine company that Seunghyun doesn’t care to remember the name of. But my oh my, she was a catch, the long slender legs making his heart race. It was a pity that he had to ram a bullet into her head.**

**But, he had done it one too many times that it doesn’t make him flinch, wince, or whatever other words that there was to describe the normal human reaction.**

**Daesung hands him a cloth to wipe his bloodstained hands, another cloth that wasn’t worth the effort of washing. Youngbae nags at him not to stain his car, so Seunghyun shoves it inside his pocket, the suit wasn’t that expensive anyways.**

**And it’s not that Youngbae’s car didn’t have enough seats, it’s just that Seungri and Jiyong had been paired up on a different mission, one that required Seungri’s talking skills to be added to the mix. And also added the fact that Youngbae’s car really only fit two people properly, an extra in the back as they managed to squeeze Daesung in. So really, maybe it was, but he’s sure that Seungri wouldn’t mind being wedged onto Jiyong’s lap.**

**Regardless, Yang had gotten the two to work on the woman’s brother. One that had his hair styled back, a black tuxedo, it made Jiyong want to puke. It further made him want to ruin the plan and end him now; those eyes were scanning Seungri in a way that made the younger uncomfortable.**

**His outfit was nothing more than a symbol of stolen wealth. It made Jiyong sick.**

**And sometimes in their line of work, it was important to seduce their targets, to make them feel loved and wanted. It only made the two wonder who else had laid hands on the other.**

**So it’s not a shock when Seungri talks to him, leads him on, lets him play with his blond locks. He’s used to it by now, sadly.**

**And it's not shocking to Jiyong when the younger disappears with the man up the staircase; he lingers close behind. This butler outfit was beginning to take a toll on him, and it was too tight. Leave it to Yang to make Seungri act like a bratty child with a butler.**

**Luckily for them, as Seunghyun had informed them minutes prior, the brother-sister duo were incredibly dense.**

**And once again, it’s no shock to Jiyong when he hears a muffled scream from behind the door, thank goodness they’re many floors up in this complex. The man himself having asked none of his workers to disturb him. And thank Daesung for knowing the ins and outs of the security system and what not. How they still had not managed to be caught was still beyond him, and it will always be.**

**A loud thud is what gets his heart racing because Seungri isn’t really one to make much noise, but he figures that the youngest is probably doing something right. So Jiyong waits, and twenty minutes pass, and he’s not worried because the room is quiet, if there was blood he would’ve smelt it, it had become all too familiar for him.**

**But, maybe just maybe, Jiyong feels with the thundering beat of his heart in his chest. It’s not satisfying at all, and in fact, it makes him feel sick, so sick he wants to puke it all out. But he can’t, he needs to look out for his member, ensure they finish the assignment safe and sound. Promises were never made to be broken.**

**But his mind turns blank once the door opens ever so slowly that it makes Jiyong feel cold. Just a peek behind the younger, and he sees blood, so much blood tainting the room.**

**And just like that Seungri collapses in his arms.**

 

**\--**

**Seunghyun has never seen Jiyong so angry before, so filled with annoyance and regret. Mind you, he’s seen the worst of Jiyong, but he’d never imagined for those lines to be crossed. Seungri just had that effect on everyone.**

**The man hasn’t slept a wink. None of them has, if Jiyong didn’t sleep, then it was a safe bet that none of them was allowed to either. But Jiyong didn’t need sleep; sleep needed Jiyong.**

**The bullet shatters the wall in front of them. Thank fuck Jiyong was rich. It’s wedged with countless** **others,** **as if creating a pattern of the inside of his mess right now; a fucking mess.**

**“Do you want me to write something down for him as well?” The Doctor questions, one of YG’s own, a man who had treated countless within the secret walls of the organisation.**

**Except Jiyong’s anger is something that can’t even submit to the works of the medical world.**

**Daesung sighs deeply and shakes his head, and sends the man off thanking him for his time. He’s in top shape, and that’s fine, as he’s offered to take over the next assignment. Jiyong was sure to create a bloodbath and Yang had only ordered it to be kept as minimal as possible.**

**Seunghyun takes another long drag of his cigarette, his finger tapping it to discard of the end of the stick. If Seungri were here he’d lecture his Hyung about the side effects of the cancer stick, and then Seunghyun would strangle his** **maknae** **into a hug, but then continue doing his dangerous habit. Seungri cared too much.**

**Jiyong’s angry. They all are. Sure, there’d been the occasional scratches and bruises, but never fucking the sight of their hands stained with the blood of their own member. It’s a miracle that Seungri pulls through, hell it’s even a bigger one that he’d still been awake in Jiyong’s arms after the collapse.**

**Jiyong doesn’t tell them about the declaration though. Not the little moment that had been so cliche, yet so personal. The one where Jiyong was certain that Seungri was dying and had grown even madder at the world.**

**No, not at all.**

**His members don’t need to know. He doesn’t want the looks of pity.**

**After all, that ‘I love you Ji’ was only meant for him.**

**And Jiyong realised he loved Seungri too.**

**And fuck, curse this movie of a lifestyle, because Seungri gives out and Jiyong’s convinced that his** **maknae** **has left him, left him forever. It makes his heart ache so bad that he wants to scream.**

**But fuck fuck fuck. He pushes the words of love to the back of his mind and wipes his tears with the end of his sleeve. He doesn't even notice when Seunghyun had arrived, or how Seungri lays in his arms completely lifeless.**

**And time is slow, yet so fast as Seunghyun runs ahead of him with Jiyong on his tail, he’s got someone to carry so** **mind** **him for not wanting to trip or fall over. He didn’t even notice when the others had switched the car, hell, and he’s not even sure how they found out. But deep down he’s thankful because anything about first aid and all that has completely left his mind.**

**And then Youngbae’s speeding down the streets of Seoul to only God knows where. Jiyong’s never believed much in the heavens and what not, but for the first time in years, he prays. A small prayer that he needs to have answered.**

**Fuck, wasn’t their target dense as hell? How on earth had he even managed to fight off his youngest? Seungri was always alert, so why? Most importantly, how?**

**“He’s hanging on,” Daesung states, his two fingers no longer frantically searching for a pulse.**

**Seungri’s head on Jiyong’s lap and his legs spread across the seat finally resting on Daesung’s lap as well. The second youngest has a makeshift cloth out of his jacket pressed firmly on Seungri’s abdomen. There’s no point of putting it in the wash.**

**After all, the first aid training years ago had come in handy, and luckily he had the best memory to know it all step by step.**

**But, he’s hanging on. And it’s not enough for Jiyong at all. Daesung looks away in respect because he feels that Jiyong needs even the tiniest bit of privacy he can get, what may be the last.**

**Youngbae watches from the rearview mirror with endless anxiety, and my, he’s never seen Jiyong seem so small. But he lets it be and lets his heart feel peaceful, because even if he couldn’t break Jiyong out of his demeanour, at least Seungri could.**

**So he ignores his best friend and focuses on the road ahead, Daesung looking out the window with Seunghyun cursing over to whoever was on the receiving end of the frantic phone call.**

**They all let Jiyong be with his hands running through Seungri’s hair as if the younger can somehow feel the comfort in his state.**

**After all, in Jiyong and Seungri’s world, it’s just the two of them.**

  
  


* * *

* * *

 


	3. Two

**And now, it’s back to square one Daesung notes. It’s been three weeks, and their little** **maknae** **hasn’t even stirred, it’s driving them crazy. It’s driving Jiyong up the wall. He’s no Doctor but damn, did a knife wound knock him out that bad?**

**But then he remembers that’s it’s punctured something, like a lung? - and, “It’s a miracle that he’s alive.”**

**Jiyong only stares at the gun in the palm of his hand, and he can no longer think about anything else. This dreaded weapon started it all those years ago, and now they were here. A member in the hands of fate, three in the middle, and the leader on the edge of insanity from anger.**

**He’s not sure what’s happened to their target, and he doesn’t care less now. He’d wanted to watch the man die a slow painful death, maybe torture him a little. Maybe finish the job with the little gold weapon that Yang had gifted him. But, Jiyong knows his members and already knows that the so-called angels had already taken care of it. Of course, they’d prayed for the man to end up in hell and not anywhere else.**

**Their minds are too occupied by the events of the past few weeks that it’d been a bit of surprise when the Doctor had shown up earlier last morning to check them for injuries. It’s not that Yang didn’t care, but he kept the best of the best for, well, his best recruits; the five that had been loyal to him as he had to them.**

**And for sure, Jiyong’s blood pressure was bound to drive anybody insane.**

**Jiyong doesn’t complain because as the man examines him, he throws questions at him. The man doesn’t disclose much because he seems stressed, and if Jiyong’s out here killing, then the man in front of him is out there saving lives instead. He should count his lucky pennies.**

**He apologises to Jiyong for leaving the check-up so late, “Your youngest needs my attention more.” he announces.**

**He’s not what to make of it. It’s a good thing that Seungri is being taken care of, but then isn’t it bad that he needs this much attention? It makes Jiyong’s heart sink.**

**But, now it’s just the four of them in the living room of their apartment. Daesung reminds him it’s not an apartment but an actual house. Jiyong ignores him because he’s lived in them his whole life and old habits die hard.**

**Daesung thinks he’s weird.**

**Jiyong grunts as he throws the weapon to the ground and leaves the three standing alone. He needs to be away from it all.**

**Youngbae thanks God because they could use the break too.**

 

**\--**

**“When the fuck are you going to wake up?” Jiyong screams.**

**Bless Yang and his infinite money, bless the security outside the room and the top-notch Doctor’s that work as if they don’t know a damn thing. Well, they don’t.**

**Yang’s lied saying Seungri’s the son of some prominent politician and it works for them. Politics was always shady.**

**Jiyong’s not dumb either, and he’s sent security off on a break because he’s got some talking to do to the sleeping younger.**

**Youngbae looks at him a bit scared. Jiyong is fucking stupid he notes. What kind of person pulls out a gun in an environment like this? Jiyong of course.**

**He sighs, “Jiyong, scaring him isn’t going to do shit.”**

**Jiyong’s always been used to scaring others to get what he wants. His numbered days in the mafia had taught him that, and somehow he’d made it out alive. Of course, those days had happened when he’d disappeared, sick of their jobs, and came back as if nothing had ever happened.**

**Jiyong knows that Seungri doesn’t care if he kills him on the spot, he didn’t even flinch when Jiyong pulled the gun out on him weeks ago, all for crying over Jinwoo.**

**Jiyong was a sadistic bastard.**

**It turns out that money shut a lot of people up. Unfortunately, Yang had the eyes of a hawk, and he’d received the lecture of a lifetime. That was years ago. But, habits never changed.**

**But Youngbae is always right, so he places the pocket back in his inside pocket, a safe spot for now.**

**And then Jiyong just glares. Youngbae pushes a strand of hair out of Seungri’s closed eyes and Jiyong glares. Daesung turns up the television to distract them, and Jiyong glares. Seunghyun pats the younger’s leg lovingly, and Jiyong glares.**

**If you’d looked past their jobs, you’d think it was nothing but a group of younger brothers, Seunghyun snickers at that.**

**And Jiyong continues to glare. Youngbae knows he’s going to explode with anger very soon. But, he can’t have another spectacle created in the hospital, Yang’s already gone through so much trouble for this much privacy.**

**“Get out.” Jiyong breathes heavily. If they didn’t know any better, then they would’ve thought that the man had run a marathon.**

**Youngbae thinks his best friend is overreacting as usual. But is he? Love had never really been something that Jiyong had fully accepted, and to fall in love with Seungri out of all people? For Jiyong it was a hard pill to swallow.**

**The three don’t utter a word and leave without a second glance. After all, they could sit next to their** **maknae** **when Jiyong was wallowing in anger through sleep.**

**The door closes with a soft click and Jiyong turns his attention to his beloved** **maknae** **. What was he even supposed to do? Could Seungri hear him as they did in the movies?**

**Jiyong smiles bitterly. “You fucking asshole, you really thought you could escape us like that huh?”**

**Seungri never wanted to leave them, but as he’d hear so many times; in their line of work even they couldn’t predict their end.**

**“What the fuck am I supposed to say?” Jiyong continues, and he doesn't mind what he’s feeling. He somewhat feels free, “All of us are waiting for you to wake up. Bae and Dae took care of our target, and you don’t need to worry about that. And Seunghyun is lonely without you too; he’s had to resort to teasing Dae instead.”**

**Jiyong laughs, “I can tell you that Dae doesn’t really like it. Hell, I’m sure he glared at you earlier cause Seunghyun won’t leave him alone.”**

**He can’t remember where he’d felt this relaxed. It had been so long.**

**And then Jiyong halts and leans back slightly on his seat, and grabs the younger’s left hand into his own, careful of the wires and drips. Seungri isn’t one to be scared of guns and whatnot, but he’s glad that the younger was unconsciousness when he received the needles into his skin, he hated needles.**

**They all had their fears.**

**So many fears. And Jiyong hates that he let his fear take over his life. The fear of falling in love. The fear of it ending before it even started, and it happened to be coming true in front of his very own eyes. Except, he refuses to let Seungri go, not until he tells him that he too loved the younger, and he was simply scared.**

**“Seungri, I love you.”**

 

**\--**

**Jiyong doesn’t go see Seungri for the next two days, and he completely puts it off when Daesung wakes him up at 3 am, a phone in his hand, “He’s awake.” is all that Daesung needs to say and Jiyong is out of bed. He sees the others putting on their clothes to meet the younger, cause the only family was allowed, and they were the closest thing to family that Seungri has got.**

**But, he doesn’t know what happens when his body doesn’t move, and he stands there. Unaware and uncertain of what to say or do, the other three catch on.**

**Seunghyun questioned worried, “Do you want any of us to stay back with you?”**

**He can sense that Jiyong doesn’t want to see Seungri just yet. Well, he does, but something is holding him back, and they let it be.**

**Jiyong shakes his head, “You guys go.”**

**Youngbae shoots a look of pity. But he knows his best friend is worried.**

**And as soon as the front door shuts Jiyong sinks to the ground. His head atop his knees and tears down his face.**

**His brain tells him no, no that he shouldn’t be in love with Seungri. Because, because. Because Jiyong is so scared of the past repeating itself, of him losing someone that he loves deeply and to the ends of the earth. But, he’s moved on, hasn’t he? But, that fear remains.**

**His brain tells him yes, yes because he knows that Seungri loves him too. And the boy doesn’t deserve to suffer like this, and he breaks. Because the past almost did repeat himself, only this time there was no death of his lover.**

**But, but Seungri doesn’t know.**

**He doesn’t know the past. The poor boy had suffered the brunt of Jiyong’s anger after it, and then Jiyong had simply buried it under, eventually falling for Seungri.**

**Yet, acceptance meant confirming and confirming raised his fears.**

**He didn’t want a repeat of the past.**

**He didn’t want Seungri to end up like Hyunseung did.**

 

**\--**

 

**And then another week passes and Jiyong feels like dying. The will-power for him to go and visit Seungri is too much. Why is it so hard? He ponders. He knows he doesn’t need to search for an answer; it’s right in front of him.**

**And his heart beats faster once the front door opens. Youngbae had informed him they’d be coming home with the youngest. It made his heart leap in joy, but it fell just as fast. And he just ignores the shuffling around the house, that’s until his door opens, Youngbae in sight.**

**He’d always fretted over them the most, with a cup of tea in his hand. He sets it on the bedside table and sits on the bed, looking at Jiyong with concern. Jiyong eyes the cup and Youngbae answers.**

**“The doctor said it was safe for Ri to drink, so I made some, and the others wanted some too. So I brought you some too.”**

**Jiyong thanks him silently. “How is he?” He didn’t even visit the younger, so he knows he has no right to ask.**

**“He’s recovering, it’ll take a few weeks, but the main risk is gone. Yang said he’s going to pass our assignments onto the trainees for the next month, and he thinks they’re ready.”**

**Jiyong hates himself. As a leader, it was his responsibility to know all of this.**

**“Ji,” Youngbae tries, “I know this is the last thing you would want to hear, but I’m glad your walls are breaking down. I didn’t expect for it to happen this way, but you deserve some happiness in your life too.”**

**Jiyong laughs behind unshed tears, “You’re so sappy, Bae.”**

**Youngbae shrugs. He sighs. “You need to tell Ri about him.”**

**Only Youngbae and Seunghyun know. About Hyunseung.**

**“I can’t.”**

**“He deserves to know why you’re not opening up to him. You feeling sorry for yourself won’t solve anything.”**

**Jiyong wants to. Of course, he does, but he hadn’t planned on it but Seungri being hospitalised and on the verge of death made him rethink things, but he couldn’t tell him when the younger was in absolute pain.**

**“Bae, I’m not ready.”**

**And Youngbae has never been ready either, for anything. Not this lifestyle that’s for sure. But, Jiyong needs to get it together, because even if Seungri is recovering, what if something happens to him then? What if he really does leave this time? It makes Youngbae’s heart ache just thinking about it.**

**And so he stands up. Youngbae hasn’t felt this angry at Jiyong before, but his best friend can be so dense sometimes. It almost makes him want to pull out a gun, but Youngbae knows that he’d never forgive himself for that, he’d lose Jiyong and Seungri would him.**

**Youngbae walks towards the door, “He’s in his room. I’m sure Hyung and Dae will leave to give you both privacy. It’s better now than never.”**

**And then the door shuts.**

  
  


**\--**

**Except Jiyong doesn’t go in straight away. He waits until they’re all gone to sleep, that too after the long argument over their sleeping schedules. They’re not Doctors but almost losing one of your own is scary, and the three are convinced that Seungri might free-fall from his bed and die in his sleep. It’s never going to happen, but the point still stands.**

**So they drag Jiyong out of his room, the same Jiyong who thinks they’ve all gone to bed. And they throw him into Seungri’s room because Jiyong didn’t visit once and now it’s his turn to look after the younger.**

**Jiyong would instead go back into his room and hide, or fuck around go to the club and bring a girl home, drown out his worries with her moans. But no, Jiyong doesn’t want revenge on Seungri, it’s not that at all.**

**The door closes behind them, and Jiyong’s left standing alone. He's never really taken detail in Seungri’s room other than his bed, the same bed where they made love every once in a while. Love without the strings attached. Hard and long love after Jiyong’s had a bad day, or an assignment almost went wrong.**

**But, he knows he can’t be having these thoughts right now. The younger is sleeping on the bed instead. His face pain-ridden. Jiyong remembers though, he too was the same years ago, the first night home was terrible, and his scar across his abdomen is enough to prove it.**

**He never told Seungri how that scar came about and Seungri never asked.**

**And a cough rips out through the room one that sounds incredibly painful. He watches as Seungri tries to sit up on his own, silly boy. Jiyong rushes over with his hands helping the youngest up with much ease as possible.**

**His eyes are closed from his small amount of sleep and indeed bless Youngbae for leaving extra pillows to prop the younger up against.**

**His coughing subsides as Jiyong helps him drink, but Seungri is too out of it to even notice who’s with him and who isn’t. Jiyong counts his lucky pennies for this one. And slowly the younger is asleep again, this time for a good couple of hours.**

**Jiyong lays next to him with their fingers intertwined.**

**And eventually, sleep overtakes him too.**

 

**\--**

**When the sunlight finally wakes him up, he finds himself still on the same bed as the younger. Their hands are still intertwined from last night, and Jiyong doesn’t know if he welcomes this feeling in full but he kind of likes how his heart speeds up right now.**

**Maknae’s little hand grips tightly onto Jiyong’s that he’s sure it’ll be crushed in no time. Seungri stirs and Jiyong halts.**

**Perhaps, this was the very moment he’d been waiting for, or was it? He wasn’t ready to face Seungri’s endless questions.**

**But Youngbae, oh wonderful Youngbae, comes in knowing it’s rise and shine now. He tiptoes in slowly and stands next to the bed, a knowing look at Jiyong. The leader thanks him silently and helps Seungri up against the pillow.**

**“How are you feeling Ri?”**

**If it were up to any of them, they would’ve kept the younger in the hospital until he was fully recovered. But Yang being his cautious self-sent the younger home when it was allowed, the excuse of not wanting to be caught weak; not wanting to become a target.**

**Seungri nods with his eyes closed. He’s not sure how he’s feeling, but he does feel the warmth from the hand that is gripping his own.**

**“Jiyong is here as well; I’m sure you missed him.”**

**And that Seungri manages to open his eyes, not as fast as he’d hoped though. And now the warmth is gone because he’s angry at Jiyong, angry that his leader didn’t care enough to visit him in hospital. Youngbae had informed him that Jiyong did care, it was just that the leader had his own matters to deal with. And that those matters would be known soon.**

**Regardless, Jiyong deserves the silent treatment. It’s not exactly professional when applied to being an assassin, but fuck Jiyong. He deserves it, and he lets him know right away as he breaks their hands apart.**

**From the corner of his eye, he catches Jiyong’s sullen and upset expression.**

**Good.**

**Youngbae snickers and he seems to agree. He informs the youngest of today’s plans, and then he leaves. Another day of bedrest.**

**And Jiyong sits there because it would be rude for him to walk out without an explanation. And he simply stays put.**

**“I’m sorry I didn’t visit you in hospital.”**

**Jiyong apologising? Once in a blue moon. The youngest takes the time to look at his leader correctly, the man has bed hair and is wearing his pyjamas, and the cut by his chin proves he’s just shaved yesterday.**

**Seungri just stares at him. He blinks.**

**“Why?”**

**Why what? Why did he not visit? Why did he avoid Seungri at all costs?**

**Jiyong knows that so many questions are running** **in** **the inside of the younger’s mind.**

**“I had** **stuff** **to deal with.”**

**Last Seungri checked, yes Jiyong kept a lot on the down low but at the end of the day, he still tells them everything. He always tells Youngbae, Daesung, Seunghyun and Seungri. The five can read each other like a book. After all, they’re all each other had.**

**And now Seungri feels like he doesn’t know Jiyong at all.**

**Seungri doesn’t say a word instead he just keeps his gaze fixed on the leader, urging him to continue.**

**Jiyong breathes in a sigh, “Because.”**

**“Because?”**

**“Because of Hyunseung.”**

**Seungri is certain that Jiyong owes him a big explanation.**

**“Hyunseung, he--I loved him.”**

**It was no lie that they had flings and past lovers and what not, yet it’s the way that Jiyong says the name that makes his heart hurt.**

**“Where is he?” Is the first thing that Seungri asks.**

**“Dead.”**

**“Hyung, I’m sorry.”**

**Jiyong shakes his head. After all, it’s not Seungri’s fault.**

**“Don’t be Ri; it’s not your fault that I’ve been avoiding you.”**

**It’s somewhat odd. Jiyong has been so cold and distant; it only started getting worse once they started using one another to release the stress.**

**“It was an assignment gone wrong, dumbass always liked showing off,” Jiyong laughs bitterly at the memory, “A bullet to the head, and he managed to say that he loved me, and then that was that. He was dead.”**

**Seungri knows he shouldn’t feel upset because he’s witnessed death one too many times. But, when it’s someone close then, it’s something else.**

**“D--did he get shot or?”**

**“Shot, and mind you I shot the bastard who hurt him; he’s gone too.”**

**Silence.**

**A pause.**

**Anger.**

**“So you pushed me away so in fear that I’d end up like him.”**

**Jiyong nods. He truly wishes he’d told Seungri from the start. Told him that he loved the younger and he wasn’t just a casual fling here and there, that he meant something to him.**

**And he wants Seungri to accept him. Tell him that it’s fine, everything is going to be fine.**

**But the youngest is filled with anger, even in this condition.**

**“Am I allowed a second chance?” Jiyong persuades.**

**Seungri closes his teary eyes and sighs; then he opens them.**

**“No.”**

**“Ri?”**

**“Jiyong, I understand the fear, but if you gave two shits about me, you wouldn’t have put me through this. I’ll gladly be yours but--”**

**“But?”**

**“But you have to let Hyunseung go.”**

**And Jiyong knew that was easier said than done.**

* * *

* * *

 


	4. Three

**“He wants me to let him go.”**

**It’s Jiyong, and Seunghyun sat in the backyard smoking. Youngbae had warned them not even to dare smoke near the** **maknae** **, as he had swatted them to the outside. Seunghyun hums, it seems it’s time to play the role of the eldest Hyung.**

**“Can you?” Seunghyun questions.**

**“He was my first love Hyung.”**

**“So you can’t.” Seunghyun answers for him, “If I were Seungri I wouldn’t even have given you a chance, but you know his big heart and all. Even when he’s in pain.”**

**Darn Seunghyun for making him feel guilty.**

**It’s not that Jiyong didn’t want to let Hyunseung go, of course, he did. But, seeing the man die in front of him made him live in fear, he knew he couldn’t guarantee Seungri a tomorrow. Jiyong was just used to making it more complicated.**

**“I feel--” Jiyong pauses.**

**“What do you feel?”**

**“I feel scared.”**

**“Why’s that?”**

**“I feel that if I love Seungri with everything that I have, then he’ll get snatched away from me. I felt being in love with Hyunseung was too good to be true and look where he ended up, dead.”**

**Seunghyun sighs, “Ji, the fear is always going to be there. But this is Seungri, not Hyunseung. How are you certain that Seungri will end up dead as well?”**

**“How do you know that he won’t?”**

**Seunghyun shrugs, “We can’t predict our tomorrow just love with what you’ve got.”**

**“This is complicated.”**

**“It doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to be. After all, this fear is really in your mind, isn’t it?”**

**“But what if--”**

**Seunghyun cuts him off, “Jiyong there are no what if’s. You keep going back and forth, and it’s not helping anyone. Learn how to move on or let Seungri end up in the arms of someone else.”**

**“Hyung?”**

**“Jiyong you’re in love with Seungri, but your past is holding you back from giving him the love that he deserves. Let Hyunseung go, and if you don’t, then I’m sorry I can’t help you.”**

**Jiyong takes a drag of his cigarette. He knows what he has to do.**

**“Then how do I let him go?”**

**Truthfully, it’s why he never did in the first place. He just didn’t know where to start.**

**Seunghyun has a mental checklist as he faces towards the clouds and murmurs something to himself as if he’s checking off what’s already been done. Mind you he’s never experienced this himself, so he’s not really sure where to begin. Youngbae and Daesung are better at giving advice, but he’s the oldest, so maybe he should step in for once.**

**And he knows that Jiyong takes his advice the most, even now where his tough image is no longer there, all in the name of love.**

**“I don’t know? Talk to him.”**

**“To his grave?”**

**“You never visited him after his funeral, and you owe it to yourself to do so.”**

**Jiyong blinks.**

**Did he? He owed it to Seungri and Hyunseung, and himself. Of course, he did.**

**“And Ji,” Seunghyun calls, “You say that we aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow so why are you wasting time?”**

 

**\--**

**Jiyong fights with himself for the next three days. He sits next to Seungri as they all do, but Seungri doesn’t respond to his touches or throw a smile his way. He pretends as if Jiyong isn’t there, and only acknowledges as little as he can.**

**The three catch on but they ignore it. If the two needed help then they’d ask, and it was as simple as that.**

**“Hyung, have you decided yet?” Seungri asks once the two are left alone yet again.**

**It’s as if it’s been done on purpose, a chance for them to talk that neither of them takes. But, Seungri is getting tired of waiting, he knows it’ll take a while, but should he wait for someone who can’t seem to make a decision?**

**“I can’t let it go just like that.”**

**“You’ve had years.” Seungri reasons.**

**Years of self-pity Jiyong wants to say, self-pity that should’ve never been there.**

**Jiyong stares at his** **maknae perched up against the pillows. The colour has returned to his face, and he’s not longer sweating from a simple movement. He also finds that he’s freshly dressed and his hair damp** **from a shower, and it must’ve been the best feeling ever.**

**The boy smells like strawberries.**

**Jiyong looks down. Seungri tries again.**

**“You dropped the bomb on me out of nowhere.”**

**“Better now than never.” Jiyong laughs bitterly. “You know, when I told you, you only asked where he was and not who he was.”**

**Seungri twiddles his thumbs, “Considering he’s the reason why you won’t give me a chance I kind of figured it out, Hyung.”**

**Everyone seems to have it figured it out except Jiyong.**

**“I’m sorry.”**

**“I know you are, but I truly don’t know what to believe.”**

 

**\--**

**“Help me, Bae.” Jiyong cries.**

**They’re at shooting practice because Jiyong feels the need to brush up on skills, even though they both know it is not needed.**

**“Follow your heart.”**

**“Baeeee.” Jiyong whines. Love had him at another level.**

**“Ji, I’m sure it’ll come to you-you just gotta be patient.”**

**“How? Seungri is slipping away from me every day.”**

**“God gave you another chance, so make sure you don’t waste it.” Youngbae shoots and hits the target.**

**“Bae.”**

**Youngbae steps back, “Ji, you even prayed for him to make it through. You don’t have to take on board what I’m saying, and I’m not going to force you either, but I mean it. God brought him back to you.”**

**“Can I ask why you believe in it all so much?”**

**“Because I needed to keep myself sane through this field of work, so I pray. Same with Dae. We don’t know if it’s the same for you, but regardless you’ll find your way.”**

**“I mean it helps a little.”**

**“I’m glad it does. Again, Ji, I’m not going to force anything on you. You have to figure it out yourself, and this isn’t my battle to fight. It’s yours.”**

 

**\--**

**Another week passes, and Seungri is walking around without support. Although there’s the occasional gripping onto the walls to steady himself; other than that he’s back to his usual self. Happy and healthy, and only half ignoring Jiyong now.**

**He doesn’t like the touches, but he doesn’t ignore them either. He simply lets it be because he’s done playing games, and if Jiyong cared enough he’d have it figured out by now. But, he’s not stupid either, to ask someone to let go of something is a hard task of its own.**

**Yet, Seungri knows he can’t wait around forever.**

**And then Jiyong proposes something.**

**Just as he’s about to go to bed, he proposes an idea, something that he thinks will put a stop to all of this. Seungri listens.**

**“Come to visit Hyunseung with me.”**

**“What?” The younger is caught off-guard.**

**“I said to** **come** **visit Hyunseung with me.”**

**“I heard what you said Hyung. But why?”**

**Jiyong takes a deep breath. “We both know why, but truthfully my mind is muddled. However, I think this will help.”**

**“Am I even allowed to leave the house?”**

**Jiyong nods, “I asked your Doctor, and he said as long as it’s not too long, and don’t worry I got the permission of your Hyungs as well.”**

**“Okay.”**

**“Good, we’ll leave at six in the morning.”**

**“That’s too early!”**

**“We’ll be fine. Plus it could do you some good.”**

**It could do the both of them some good.**

 

**\--**

**Jiyong tries to wake Seungri at 5 am, an hour should be enough to get ready, but the youngest response by curling up to the pillow. This isn’t going to work.**

**“Ri, you can sleep in the car.”**

**And Seungri is willing to compromise, so 40 minutes later he has them driving away from the house. Seungri’s showered, nice and warm, sleeping after having breakfast, while Jiyong drives with one hand and the other helps him drink his coffee.**

**Jiyong isn’t sure when it’s just been them two spending time like this together. He recalls it never** **happening** **, and even so, the planned outcome didn’t require these steps either. It’s a bit odd really.**

**Nonetheless, Jiyong thanks the use of the seatbelt as it stops Seungri from falling forward in his sleep. He finally understands what Daesung meant by the** **maknae** **free-falling. The younger was always best at interrupting his thoughts.**

**When he finally finds a car park, he tries to nudge the younger awake but is only met by a number of whines, and his hands are trying to block out the early morning sun.**

**And Jiyong just knows he has to take matters into his own hands, so with a sprint, he opens Seungri’s side of the door, and ever so gently picks the younger up into his arms. Seungri is stunned of course with his confused stare aimed towards Jiyong.**

**Wordlessly, he places the younger down to stand firm on his own two feet. And he looks around. They were at a private cemetery.**

**“He’s in there.”**

**Jiyong points to the small building in the middle of the grounds. Is this where any recruit in their company went after they died? After all, most of them came in with no families alive or supporting them, so of course, Yang was one to send them off lavishly.**

**Jiyong locks the car and grabs his hand as they walk the footpath, alongside the bushes and lake. It’s incredibly peaceful. A guard stands at the entrance, and he lets Jiyong in with a nod.**

**“Have you been here before?” Seungri questions.**

**“Not since he passed.”**

**And they reach the end of the corridor and stand in front of a wall engraved with names. Hyunseung’s sits in the middle. Seungri can only wonder how many had passed before he’d joined.**

**The youngest sits on the bench behind Jiyong and lets him do the talking. Instead of listening to the whispering, he makes the two have their moment, and frankly, he feels awkward, because it’s a special moment for Jiyong.**

**And when Jiyong turns to look at him ten minutes later, he finds the tears streaming down his face, and Seungri feels selfish. He’d expected Jiyong to let go easily, and he just knows he wouldn’t be able to if he were in the same spot. But another part of him tells him its the right thing to do, that Jiyong needs to face this before anybody else.**

**Jiyong sits next to the younger and stares ahead.**

**“I apologised to him.”**

**Seungri’s never been that good at comforting people. None of them** **have** **. But Jiyong needs him at this moment, and he pulls the man in, letting him cry on his lap. Seungri can only stroke his hair.**

**“What did he say?” Seungri feels stupid even asking that.**

**Jiyong laughs. “Nothing at all but I’m sure he’s glad I let him go. He’s probably mad at me for not letting him go all these years.”**

**A minute passes.**

**“Do you believe in angels Hyung?”**

**Jiyong looks up, sitting up now. “Ri, you know I’m not much of a believer unless it’s in front of me.”**

**“I know Hyung, neither am I but I think he’s an angel now. He’s finally gained his wings.”**

**Jiyong chuckles at the comparison.**

**“I can agree with that.”**

**“You let him go so easily.” Seungri states.**

**“I think just being here made it easier. If anything I feel like something just got lifted off of me. Thank you Maknae.”**

**“Anytime Hyung.”**

 

**\--**

**“I used to visit time to time but the ride there is too long.” Youngbae mentions over a cup of tea. It’s a little past three in the afternoon, and the house is quiet.**

**The younger had let himself nap as Jiyong joined the others in the living room. Jiyong had noted that there was something different in Seungri once they had returned. But then again, Jiyong had done his part, so now it was up to Seungri.**

**“I feel lighter,” Jiyong admits.**

**Daesung takes note, “Hyung, we can feel it too. It’s a nice look.”**

**Jiyong thanks him because it truly is a nice look, the look of happiness that he’s finally** **letting** **back into his life.**

**“So where to from here?”**

**Jiyong shrugs. “It’s up to Seungri now.”**

 

**\--**

**Jiyong’s always the one to climb into Seungri’s bed at night, but this time it’s the other way around. It’s midnight, and he knows only Seungri would be awake at this hour. He doesn’t even need to guess who the footsteps belong to, and that scene is recognisable anywhere.**

**“Hyung.” Seungri’s under the covers nice and warm, and Jiyong pulls him closer.**

**“Yes Ri,” He calls lovingly.**

**He can sense Seungri blink knowing that the younger is trying his best to form his words right now. He can’t really blame him for it either.**

**“Today was special.”**

**“It was.”**

**“But,”**

**“But?”**

**“I felt like I was intruding in your special moment.”**

**Jiyong shakes his head, “You weren’t. I feel it was important for you to be there as well.”**

**“Okay.”**

**Jiyong doesn’t like how that sounds. “What doubts do you have Ri? What’s running inside of that mind of yours?”**

**Damn, Jiyong was too good.**

**“Hyung, now that I think about it I can understand your fear even more. I feel bad for putting you through that, but I feel it needed to be done for both of our sakes.”**

**Jiyong nods. “It did, and I’m glad you gave me the little push.”**

**Jiyong makes himself more comfortable, and brings the youngest in closer, his hands resting firmly on Seungri’s waist.**

**Seungri can feel how much happier and lighter Jiyong is, and it makes his heart full.**

**“I know what you’re thinking.”**

**“Do you?” Jiyong jokes.**

**Seungri leans in with the moonlight from the window guiding him. He can’t see much but he can trace the outline of Jiyong’s face, and he leans down. A peck, just a small peck but it’s more than enough.**

**“I’ll gladly be yours.”**

 

**\--**

 

**A month passes.**

 

**\--**

**It’s not that Seunghyun isn’t happy for his friends, he is. He’d almost jumped in joy because the two were finally together, so that meant no more fights and all that kind of stuff. He’s the happiest he’s been. But as the three discover, the couple has no respect for those in the house when it comes to making love.**

**The two are upstairs in, what is now, the couples bedroom and it’s situated right above the living room. Seunghyun chucks the basketball at the ceiling hoping that they get the clue, he knew Seungri had an excellent vocal range, but this was something else.**

**And a resounding ‘sorry’ is heard from upstairs, and Daesung sighs.**

**The past month had been nothing but bursts of sunshine and rainbows, a nice change from their lifestyle. But duty calls and Yang requires them back on the job, so they leave the sleeping couple texting them they’ll be out for breakfast before it’s back to killing the evil.**

**Unfortunately, the two had not noticed when their three friends had arrived home.**

**“We need to invest in a soundproof ceiling.”**

**Daesung and Youngbae second that.**

**Fortunately, their misery is over quite fast, and it’s heaven-sent when they hear the shower start upstairs. They’re thankful you can’t hear moans from the shower, so finally some peace and quiet.**

**And then the five are ready to go, to meet up with Yang and it’s an absolute delight. But, Seunghyun has something to say before he locks the front door.**

**“Next time you decide to fuck each other’s brains out try and be a little quieter.”**

**\--**

 

**But then everything changes.**

 

**\--**

**"Maybe it just wasn't meant to be."**

* * *

* * *

 


	5. Final

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Happiness. I want him to be happy and free, and I’ll follow him to wherever that is.”

They find themselves sitting in a wrecked car somewhere in downtown Seoul. It’s part of the disguise as Yang had put it, and that too along with their outfits. University students.

Seungri’s taken the spot on Jiyong’s lap as his own because they’re the secret couple that their target will come to know of.

Truthfully, they’re just nearing their mid-20s, and Seungri still looks younger than his actual age. He lets Jiyong play with the end of his sleeve, amused at the persona that the youngest had been given. Nothing like a bunch of frills at the end of your clothes to distract someone.

“This jacket is annoying.” Seungri huffs.

Youngbae scoffs, “Then take it off. You don’t have to wear it.”

“But it’s cold outside!” Seungri whines. It’s night, and the wind is chilly, he’s not sure what on earth Youngbae is even thinking.

But Youngbae reaches into the small plastic bag by Seunghyun’s feet and pulls out a denim jacket. He’s always kept extra things in case of emergencies, bullets and guns, and all that. And for the maknae, spare clothes because only time could tell what the boy would get up to.

And so the youngest sits content on Jiyong’s lap, happy with a smile with his new clothing. It’s a blessing that he and Jiyong had to stay close to one another for this assignment, finally a perk on the job.

“Just be the normal couple okay,” Seunghyun warns, “Kissing and what not but make sure you have your eye on our target.”

It’s fairly easy, but the two lovesick birds only have eyes for each other. Daesung wonders if it was even a good idea to have them paired up in the first place.

Jiyong adjusts the Bluetooth device beneath his beanie making sure it’s covered and lets Youngbae drive them to the front entrance of the house. It’s elegant and owned by someone wealthy, wealthy enough to be away while their child threw a house party.

“Have fun love birds.” Seunghyun teases as they drop the two off. His whistles can be heard as Youngbae drives off, and he laughs intertwining his hand with his boyfriends.

Seungri walks side by side to his boyfriend as they throw nods as a greeting to the drunk party-goers. He scans the scene and sees that there’s no-one of suspicion.

“I honestly thought we’d killed the siblings. I didn’t know there was one more.” He whispers.

Jiyong shudders at the memory of the past few months. It makes his blood boil, and he knows that this kill will be his most enjoyable.

“They keep popping up like pests during summer nights.”

Jiyong catches how Seungri keeps his free hand close to his stomach as if shielding in fear that he’ll get hurt again. It makes Jiyong want to scream.

“Just stay close to me.”

Seungri hums in response, “Hyung, what if she recognises us?” He’s scared for once.

“Then we kill her.”

“Hyung.”

“Ri, I’m serious. Besides, we’ll find our way out. We’ve been doing this for years. It’s just the jitters of being back after so long.”

Seungri nods. “You’re right.”

They keep up the pace making their way inside of the lavish house; it’s decorated with expensive taste, one that young Jiyong would not even have dreamed of. After all his Father made him work hard for what he had and worked hard, he did.

 

The party is an absolute bore Seungri thinks. It’s nothing compared to the ones that he’s attended, and he’s already sick of these drugged up young adults walking into him. It’s safe to say that this isn’t exactly his cup of tea.

Jiyong meets his eyes with an agreement. They’re utterly bored out of their minds, and they both know that the bedrooms upstairs are probably free, but as Seunghyun had said, “No mucking around!”

After all, their stamina in the bedroom had managed to surprise the both of them. Seungri thinks that Seunghyun needs to get laid, because after a day of the killing, what other way to calm down? Seunghyun had only smacked them both over the head.

“Ji, you’re both taking forever.” comes Youngbae’s voice from the hidden earpiece. Seungri shoots him a knowing look, they need to hurry up, and frankly, their bed is calling their name.

The youngest shifts behind him and Jiyong hears him loading up whatever weapon they’re using tonight. It seems that Seungri would do the honours.

Seungri whispers his gaze locked with that of his boyfriend. “They’re all drunk out of their minds, and Dae already took care of the security cameras. Now is a good time.”

The youngest takes cover behind the small bushes in the backyard. With closer inspection, one would be able to notice Seungri’s mop of black hair. Jiyong is somewhat proud of the younger seeing him so concentrated and ready, so different from when they’d had their first training session together.

He gently places a hand on the younger’s back as a form of encouragement, which was not even needed at this moment. Seungri was always the most focused needless to say.

And then he shoots.

 

\--

 

“You’re both dumbasses.”

“Hey, it’s been over a month we’re a little rough on the edges.”

Daesung smirks at the couple seated on the couch, finally back in the safe realm that was their shared home. Jiyong had missed the thrill of finishing off the job and the added thrill of making a run for it.

He’d missed it so much that he’d toppled down onto the grass and sprained his ankle. Youngbae had almost screamed at him as they had made their escape. Seunghyun just snorted.

Seungri presses the ice-pack harder onto the injury, and he shivers with each hiss of pain that Jiyong gives. Even so, the slightest pain is making him want to crawl away, and now he wonders what the last few months would have been like for Jiyong; absolute torture.

The three take it as their queue to leave the two alone in peace. Jiyong just knows something is hanging around in the air, something that’s eating away at Seungri’s mind. The younger had been quiet ever since they’d gotten home.

Jiyong hisses once again, “I didn’t hurt you did I?” Seungri probes now alarmed.

Jiyong shakes his head. He pats the spot next to him. “What’s on your mind Ri? Remember, we promised we’d let each other know everything.”

Seungri doesn’t say anything for a moment. Instead, he wraps his arms around Jiyong’s waist and leans into the elder, his head in the crook of Jiyong’s neck, as the leader places his own arm around Seungri’s shoulders.

“Hyung, I know it’s a normal thing in our line of work. I should be used to it, and I am, but I had a nightmare last night.”

Nightmares always had been a regular thing for the five of them but as the years went by there became less and few of them.

Seungri feels so small. Nightmares are for kids, aren’t they? He’s seen and shed so much blood, killed so many, destroyed the futures of those that deserved it and yet at the end of it all it was a nightmare that took him down.

Jiyong doesn’t need to question what it’s about instead he simply lets the younger speak.

“You died. I don’t know how but you died. You just left me all alone.”

Jiyong sighs. “It’s how I’ve felt all this time. It’s just a nightmare, but it seemed so real.” Jiyong confessed.

He’d always believed that if he paid too much thought to something negative, then it would manifest into the real world. He simply didn’t want any of these fears to come true.

Seungri nods. “I usually get over them. But I truly felt like you had left me.”

And Jiyong feels bad because Seungri’s eyes look as if they’re made out of glass with the unshed tears.

“I know it’s so cliche and sappy, and it’s kind of hard for us to keep in touch with our emotions, but I love you Ji.”

Jiyong smiles and pecks the younger’s lips. “Just remember, no one can break us apart.”

And then an idea crosses Jiyong’s mind. Even with an aching ankle and a boyfriend attached to his side, an idea still pops inside of his mind.

“Marry me.”

He announces it so suddenly that Seungri pulls back in amazement. He blinks and looks confused. Wasn’t it illegal for same-sex marriages where they lived? Rings? Would it even be an actual wedding?

Seungri’s mouth is agape. What on earth was he even supposed to say?

“Yes.” He breathes and pauses. “I’ll marry you, idiot. Of course, I will.”

It’s not that Jiyong had it all planned. He was simply waiting for the right moment and to have spent half their lives together; it only made sense to be spontaneous about it.

Seungri pulls back before Jiyong can even kiss him. “What about the wedding? Will there even be one? How about rings an--”

Jiyong cuts him off. “We’ll figure that out as we go. But now shut up and kiss me.”

“You’re so fucking cheesy Hyung.”

 

\--

 

Yang gives them another assignment. It’s located somewhere in Busan, and they’re after some elite businessman doing shady things; the usual. Jiyong’s never really gotten any sort of anxiety over any of their targets before, but his heart is ready to beat out of his chest.

The man goes by the name of Donghae, a tall and handsome young man, with a knowing smirk to match. It makes Jiyong feel even more anxious, and he has a bad feeling one that he can’t shake off.

The downside of it all is how they’re expected to gain the trust of their targets. And Seungri mouths a sorry as Donghae grabs his hand and leads him away to the hotel bedroom. Jiyong knows nothing will go down, but the feeling inside of his chest says otherwise.

The man had kept an eye on Seungri all night with a look that he wanted the younger screaming out his name, as he pounded into him on the 500 thread bedsheets. Jiyong blinked furiously to get the image out of his head.

He needs to stay behind and blend in with the crowd of elites, make some business talk here and there. But his mind is screaming at him otherwise, and so he obliges. He excuses himself with the need for the bathroom but walks right past and towards the hotel room.

Flashbacks of the night months ago are eating away at him. He wants to make sure he doesn’t leave with blood staining his hands and an unconscious maknae to carry.

He hears a crash from the other side and its a repeat of history that it makes his heart sink to his stomach.

And the call of, “Jiyong!” is enough for the man to knock the door down and go racing in.

Jiyong sees red. Thankfully not the blood kind but more so the one of endless anger. It doesn’t take much for him to make sense of the situation at hand. But when he does his feet move faster than his brain and there’s a fumble of weapons. The lights have already shattered, and Jiyong knows they’re going to cost a fortune to repair.

Seungri’s never let his guard down while on the job and Jiyong curses at the high heavens for making history repeat itself, he hopes only merely.

Donghae is smart and cunning and so many other things, and above all observant. It’s as if the man has eyes built in the back of his head because it seems he’s beat them at their own game.

And Jiyong curses again because he’ll take the pain over Seungri any day, he’ll take it endlessly. But Jiyong is protective; he knows how to unleash his wrath and he does so, he lets it go. And the man fights him back, a bullet hits Jiyong’s torso, but he’s suffered worse before. So much worse. But he fights back, and the man is out like a light, hopefully forever with his eyes rolling into the back of his head and eyelids closed.

And Jiyong falls to the floor amidst the bloodbath. As his eyelids become heavy he wonders how there’s so much blood and then his mind screams at him. And he whispers hoping that the younger can hear him, even in his unconscious state.

“Seungri.”

 

\--

 

Youngbae wants to laugh at how fucked up it all is. He doesn’t know if he should cry because Jiyong and Seungri would hate that, but what else should he do? It seems laughing bitterly at it all is all that’s left.

“Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.” Youngbae states.

Seunghyun shoots daggers at him. “Have some hope,” he tells him, but he doesn’t have any himself.

Daesung’s never really believed in the whole ‘till death do us apart’ kind of fiasco, but it seems he might start believing. And it seems Jiyong and Seungri might prove it true and deep down he hopes they don’t. ‘Cause right now it seems to be ‘till death ALMOST do us apart’. The almost screams at him in his mind because that’s the important bit he reminds himself. Almost.

He knows he's dramatic but when had their lives not been? Fortunately for Jiyong he hadn’t injured anything important and had managed to get away with only one bullet to take out and then bedrest.

Seungri on the other hand.

Daesung knows that life isn’t fair, but he never knew it would be this unfair. He’s also hated how the kindest people get tested the most. Well, yes they’ve killed, but it was for the good right? After all, he was certain that Seungri never deserved this in the first place. His mind is simply screaming away at him, and it’s surely a scene out of those annoying hospital dramas that he hates so much.

It’s not that Daesung hadn’t been prepared for the sight he was about to encounter that night, it’s just that he wasn’t ready to see his loved ones in the middle of it all. Seungri’s eyes had fixated on Jiyong’s bloody form, but they had been so hollow, so empty.  It’s like Jiyong wasn’t even in his focus but rather just him struggling to stay awake. Daesung wasn’t even sure if it was his maknae that he was holding in his arms that night.

But weeks passed, and Daesung hasn’t picked up a weapon since. He hates them, and he knows they’ve contributed to the younger sitting at the window staring out lifelessly.

Yang had claimed it was for the best; the younger was to stay away from it all. “Try and live a normal life Seungri, we don’t want you harmed anymore.”

Except, none of them knew what it meant to be normal.

The sense of normality had scared the younger so much that he had no idea how to move forward. After all, they were all broken.

Seunghyun sighs from his spot on the couch. “It is meant to be.” he proclaims, they all know it is. “We just need to let them figure this out on their own.”

Daesung keeps his gaze fixated on their maknae, “Seungri pushing Jiyong away isn’t protecting him, he’s only fucking things up.”

Daesung understood. For Seungri to have lived a good amount of his life doing all this and then suddenly having to drop it, and forced into normality, it would only cause him to feel lost. And Jiyong, oh Jiyong, the leader knew that Seungri had no chance of leading that life with him either. It was a push and pull, but more so push from both sides. The distance only grew.

Seunghyun looks between the two of them. “As I said, just let them figure it out on their own.”

 

\--

Jiyong thinks he’s protecting Seungri by pushing him away, and Seungri thinks he’s doing the same. But then he realises he’s never really known how to love, and the last time he did it had been snatched away so easily.

It was when Daesung’s had enough that he throws them into a room together, and yells before he leaves, “You two are so fucking dramatic. Just makeup already.”

If he’d wanted to watch a drama he could do so through the television, he never asked for it to be in live action in front of him.

And it’s when the door shuts that Seungri does speak.

“I don’t hate you. I hope you know that.”

Jiyong doesn’t need to look at him to know that his words are sincere. He hums in agreement. And Jiyong speaks too because there’s no time for games or unspoken words, they’re both adults here.

“I felt that it was a way to protect you.” he cuts to the chase.

“That’s why I did it too.”

“Yang wants you to lead a normal life, and you can’t have that with me.”

“What if I want it only with you?”

Jiyong looks at him; he laughs sadly. “So our fight was for nothing?”

“I only did it because I thought it was for the best.”

“As did I.”

“It’s always been you Jiyong.”

Jiyong moves in closer. “A normal life Ri, away from everything and everyone. It can’t be with me.”

“I told you, I want to be here with you and the Hyungs. I know you’re never going to leave it behind.”

They were too comfortable with everything to leave it all behind. Even if Jiyong had millions upon millions stacked away, it wouldn’t be enough to fill in the emptiness he’d feel.

“We’re both idiots.”

“Let's just be glad that Daesung got sick of our shit.”

 

\--

 

Daesung is shocked when the two make up faster than expected. It’s as if they had to suffer for weeks over a petty little fight.

But it’s what you get when the two most dramatic people in the world become love birds.

And Daesung is fine with that.

He just prays that Yang hasn’t wedged the sense of normalcy into Seungri’s mind, because he knows it’s going to bother the younger to no end.

And so he prays.

He prays for all of them.

 

\--

 

But then Seungri finds it’s never going to be normal.

 

\--

 

“Why can’t I be normal?” Seungri asks sitting up in their bed. It’s a little past 2 am and it’s raining down, pouring in fact.

It doesn’t seem to sit well with the both of them. Jiyong curses Yang for wedging the idea into Seungri’s head.

“I can’t live like this.” Seungri cries throwing the covers off of him, he gets out of the bed and walks towards their balcony.

Jiyong does what he knows best and pulls him into a hug, swaying them side to side. He lets Seungri cry and scream and do whatever he pleases.

“Every time I close my eyes all I see is blood Hyung. Even from that night, I saw you covered in it, and it hurt so much to see.”

Jiyong wants to tell him that it’s okay, that it’s going to be alright. They’re going to make it through, they always have and always will. So he lets Seungri cry it out.

It seems it got to him once it had become personal.

Seungri pulls them apart and throws open the dresser, rummaging underneath the clothes he pulls out a gun and shakily hands it into Jiyong’s palm, the leader only looks at him confused.

“Shoot.”

“Ri? Please tell me you’re joking.”

Seungri falls to the ground. “I can’t take it anymore Hyung. I’m trying so hard, but I just can’t take it. I want it to stop.”

Normally Jiyong would think twice. The other three would understand, right?

“Ri, we can live a good life together. I’ll take you away from here I promise.”

Seungri almost believes him for a second. Jiyong is too big of an asset for the company to lose, it would never happen.

“I love you.” Seungri suddenly says. He places a peck on Jiyong’s lips, and grabs the gun out of his lover’s trembling hand.

“What about me?” Jiyong almost feels guilty.

“You can live a life without me Jiyong.”

“You’re going to leave me just like Hyunseung did?”

And at that, the gun falls.

 

\--

 

“He tried killing himself last night,” Jiyong announces at breakfast the next morning.

It’s a shock announcement that has the three almost choking on their food. Jiyong had taken precaution to lock away any weapons and out of sight.

“I don’t get it.” Jiyong continues. He does, but he doesn’t know how to make sense of it.

“I guess when you see a loved one in harm's way then you can’t unsee it. Even if he went to have a normal life he’d still remember that image of you bleeding, Hyung.” Daesung states.

He’s right.

Seunghyun nods.

“He’s most likely blaming himself for getting you hurt even though it’s either of your faults. But that shit can take a toll on someone; there’s only so much we can take before we reach a breaking point.”

It’s the most heart to heart talk they’ve had in years, probably the first.

It makes Jiyong’s heart sink.

“Him chasing to be normal just shows that he never can be. Even if he tries, all the bad will still follow him.”

“I just want him to find his euphoria.”

“Euphoria?”

“Happiness. I want him to be happy and free, and I’ll follow him to wherever that is.”

 

\--

 

Youngbae has always been the one to check if the doors are locked, and windows are closed before bed. It gives him time to wander a bit and clear his mind, and truthfully the peace and quiet are always a bit nice.

He walks up the stairs, past the painting of two lovers on the wall. It was a piece that Seunghyun had picked out, claiming it was about two lovers followed each other even into death. It seemed like an ironic play of how everything felt at the moment.

It makes him get lost in his thoughts each time that he just manages to catch the loud noise that rings through the house. It’s enough to make the windows shatter, and Youngbae knows that sound anywhere, he’s grown up hearing it.

Daesung and Seunghyun run out of their own bedrooms meeting the man in the hallway, fear across their faces.

“That wasn’t one, but it was two,” Daesung informs them. He gulps.

And a little note sits at their feet having slid out from beneath the door as the colour drains out of their faces. Yet, it’s something that they knew was coming.

  
_  
_

_Heaven or hell, we’ll see you there._

_S & J_

 

\--

hehe

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted.


End file.
